Saturday, August 26, 2006

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

The Bishops

After Josh Bishop failed out of law school and faced overwhelming student loans, he very begrudgingly agreed to join his younger brother Gary in his quest to become a wrestling team based on diagonal moving chess pieces.   Gary, an average but wildly enthusiastic chess player, is quite proud of this gimmick.  Josh however, is utterly humiliated to be wearing such "ridiculous costumes" and vows to burn them once back on his feet.   The Bishops' volatile relationship and incessant bickering continues to be a constant source of great amusement for both the fans and fellow wrestlers alike.  

EXCLUSIVE: More on Rusty's whereabouts!


Al Kowalski and Bill Rodrigues worked in construction for several years. They were feared throughout New Jersey after picking fights with weaker men and yelling profanities at every female passerby. To supplement their income, the two honed their fighting skills by moonlighting in the highly illegal Newark Association of Rugged Derelicts (NARD) fighting club. The two eventually quit the construction business when the era of political correctness prevented them from shouting their lewd comments in public. Always looking for obnoxious talent, BWF CEO Bob Boorstein quickly lured them to the BWF with a contract that encouraged them to "be themselves". By being themselves, Al and Bill muscled their way up the tag team ranks through means of hostile abuse and loud, drunken behavior. In addition to their BWF fame, Construction are also known for being the official spokesmen for Crotty Beer, the man's beer that "ain't for no briefcase-wagglin', telephone-usin', shirts-with-sleeves wearin' pussies!"

Al Kowalski: Slightly more restrained than Bill, Al is a dirty fighter,a filthy talker, and quite a fix-it man at home. He will carefully avoid anything not directly related to tools, beer, fighting or breasts, dismissing them as "gay".

Bill Rodrigues: If there is a woman's behind within arms length, Bill will slap it without hesitation. If a skinny guy with glasses walks by, he will promptly break the glasses and occasionally the man's jaw. It has been suggested that Rodrigues suffers from Tourette's Syndrome as he constantly shouts vulgarities and unexpected words and syllables. But it's also very possible that he's just an asshole.

Combined Weight: 512 lbs.

Finishing Maneuver: The Cement Mixer

Frank Franklin

If Frank Franklin's wrestling ability matched his dedication to the sport there is little doubt he would be a true champion. As he put it: "I was brought up to believe that hard work and love for what you do will ultimately lead to success in the end!" Judging from his 0-82 record, success has thus far eluded Franklin but he is far from discouraged. Numbers mean little to Frank as long as he learns something new each and every time he steps in the ring. Behind the scenes, Franklin has earned a reputation as the perennial nice guy of the BWF with an unwavering positive attitude. Wrestlers enjoy sharing a beer and a laugh with him almost as much as they enjoy beating him senseless. But don't expect FF to hold a grudge.

When he's not spending his free time taking his son to museums, baseball games, and charity benefits, Frank Franklin can usually be found at the gym getting ready for his next opportunity to wrestle. He painstakingly prepares for each match by poring over hours of video footage of his opponent. Says Franklin "there is no obstacle that I cannot overcome". Such obstacles include his rather small stature, inferior strength and awkward motor skills.

Height: 5' 8"

Weight: 175 lbs.

Finishing Maneuver: Not Applicable

Quotable: "Winners never quit and quitters never win! So the way I see it, the only matches you really lose are the ones you don't wrestle. That's why I go out there every night and give it 110% because if you stick to your guns and continue to learn from your mistakes then there is no mountain too big to climb." (NOTE: Portions of Frank's quotable have been removed due to redundancy.)

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Exclusive!! Rusty Spotted!

Organic Steve

One of the least liked superstars in the BWF, Organic Steve consistently confuses the word "share" with "steal". Since entering the Heftyweight division several months ago, Organic has mooched his way to victory by taking advantage of everyone's kindness. "Wow, thanks man, that's totally cool of you" is something he'll say as he stuffs his face with your lunch. What an ass.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Who's The Stan?

Your old pal Handsome Stan may have been a tad hasty with his last post. Sweatpants/Boorstein is obviously now back up to speed, and the prior editorial comments should (largely) be ignored. Watch out for that California wine, though. Rusty Lover is a close personal friend of mine, and he's been known to remark, "California wine? I'm glad you asked me. It's like the devil took grape juice and made it highly intoxicating..."


All right, people, Handsome Stan has just about had it with the haphazard, low-budget local-furniture-commercial way that Johnny Sweatpants is running this site. Too much California wine, if you ask me. I know Bob Boorstein is a busy man, but I thought he was taking control of this site! You know me, Handsome Stan tells it like it is, and I for one have had it with Boorstein hiding behind his beard. There, I said it.

As all my fans know, I get the real scoop around here. My sources tell me that one of the pivotal matches on the undercard for the BWF Heftyweight Battle Royal will, in fact, be the first meeting in the ring of The Boy (with Morpheus in his corner) and Mr. Blackwell. There's no title per se on the line, with exception of the eternal battle between good and evil for the ultimate salvation of mankind's souls. The Boy's got a nice superplex, but can he save the human race from the unspeakable horrors of the triumph of the forces of darkness? As we all know, there's only one way to answer that question: with a Ladder Match.

That's all for the moment. Sweatpants, you need to stop admiring the lightning bolts on your thighs and get with the program!

Stay tuned, Chuckleyheads - Handsome Stan's got much more to tell. Did I mention the rumored return of the Downtown Brawler? Word on the street is that rookie sensation Jed Hunter (the first legally blind wrestler and brother of deceased BWF legend Jay Hunter) is quaking in his boots over the presumed return of his brother's archnemesis. All that and more coming up next time on Who's The Stan?

Ham & Cheese

BERNARD "HAM" HAMILTON: First met The Big Cheese in 1987 at Barton's Finishing School For Big Fat Party Animals (BFSFBFPA). Ham's easygoing demeanor meshed well with Big Cheese's outrageous behavior, and an unstoppable tag team was born. Ham & Cheese won the tag team titles from "Naked" Ray Martin and "Dancin" Dan Clark and embarked on a record 5-year title reign. It was cut unexpectedly short by an unfortunate scheduling conflict with a competitive popcorn eating contest.

THE BIG CHEESE: Self-described "one-man Mardi Gras," Cheese has gained a reputation for his legendary consumption levels of pizza, beer and cigarettes, sometimes all in one mouthful. Doctors have repeatedly pleaded with Cheese to cut back a little, warning him that his next quadruple cheese/quadruple meat slice of pizza could be his last. The Big Cheese, mindful of his millions of adoring fans, has been known to repeatedly remark to the doctors, "Yo, Cheese ain't havin' it!!"

While Ham was recuperating from quinteple bypass surgery, the Big Cheese inevitably fell on hard times. Fundamental differences between Cheese and substitute partner Tony "Tossed Salad" Thompson turned them into the laughing stock of the BWF. Fortunately, Bernard saved Cheese from obscurity with his triumphant return (despite grave warnings from a team of doctors).

Combined weight: 984 lbs.
Finishing Maneuver: The Ham & Cheese Sandwich

Old Man Polson

Oldest man in the county. Pictured here with his arch nemesis (for the life of me, I can't remember what I named him), the second oldest man in the county.

Introducing Table!

In a scientific experiment gone awry, Ricky Tableson acquired the unique ability to transform into a stupid looking table at will. More on this guy later...

That wasn't half as bad as the time that...

...Mr. Energy spent the evening talking to Jesus in my kitchen 'till the wee hours of the morn. The guy just wouldn't shut up about his suffering.