Og Big Advice More Column Third

Dear Og:
Here's my biggest problem: nobody does anything original anymore. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but everywhere you turn, it's true. It's like the brain of the world has shut down. Look at music, entertainment, movies, books, politics, religion, technology, it doesn't matter. Everything is either a rehash or replay or improvement of something that happened a couple decades or millennia ago, or a clever repackaging of said material. Spend ten minutes listening to the radio or look at any recent top ten movies or DVDs, and you'll see what I'm saying. It's like the world's mind got trapped somewhere between 1980 and 1994 and refuses to move forward.

Blu-Ray discs? Pfft. HDTV? Who gives a shit - where's my VR headset hologram living room? The Iron Man movie? We've officially run out of ideas. Christianity? Should've been eliminated with the invention of the printing press and discovery of the Earth revolving around the sun.

The world is not crying out for any of this stuff, which seems to be not going away. Why haven't we seen or heard of ANYTHING even remotely related to an original, forward-thinking thought in ANY area, creatively, spiritually, technologically, culturally?

I don't need a cell phone that can play music and tell me where the closest plumbing supply store is. What I need is some inkling that the mind of the world isn't dead. Can you help me?

Fist-Shaking in Hoboken, NJ

Dear Shaking Fist Man,
Og have very different viewpoint, being unfrozen in late 1990s after 40,000 years in glacier. However, me sick too of hearing "Rooster" by Alice In Chains on local rock station. Band dead, scene dead, song pretty boring in first place, yet station keep playing. And it not just that song, Stone Temple Pilots pretty not relevant either and they played every ten minutes, but me digress. Me hear you loud clear.

It seem culture itself still dealing with paranoid year-2000 changover, and people unwilling to make jump from decade-long navel-gazing to truly thinking new and free-like. Plus, tons of material to make tons of money off nostalgia. However, me wonder, where MY Sirius satellite radio station? Where my "Sounds of Ice Age" playlist? Me digress again, but maybe you see point. After time, even Og time fade away. Eventually, Seventies Rock Station fade away too.

Just like in Pangea, Thak and me constantly asking tribemates, "Why use same bone to bash mammoth head in, same time every spring hunting season? Why not use new pointy rock tied to end of stick, seem to work much better? Or even, why not you come up with something else? Pointy rock probably not only way. Bet string tied between ends of bendy stick make pretty okay throwing weapon."

But Thak and me always see furrowed brows and series of grunts. 40,000 years later, things more change, things more stay exactly same, if you follow Og. Trust Og, we go through same thing with advent of fire.

Like me say previously, fortunately we had glacier to wipe out that sort of thing. Probably same type thing happen soon again, so really nothing to worry about. We just do it all over again for another 40,000 years. It be way of world.

Okay, got space for quick one more question:

Dear Og,
Can you sum up why everyone does what they do, and where this is all going?

Joey Menensala, Fat Millionaire

Dear Millionaire Fat Man,
Life for most seem to be a beating down of other viewpoints, plus desire to not upset herd and go with flow. Pop culture nowadays overwhelm everyone with subtle, dual message of conformity and fear, mix with dash of consumerism-paranoia. Example: Me like shopping at Restoration Hardware, but me not sure why.

It all depend on sense of humor and intelligence to carry us through to next level. Og do not fear anything, but Og apprehensive slightly about us not having sense of humor about everything. Other example good: even Og and Thak know how to pronounce properly the word "nuclear." Me not sure lot of America knows how. Not sure even President knows how. Probably this not good sign for lot of America or future. Thak and Og owe everything we gain to education. About it think.

Next week see all!

What the Hell Ever Happened to: "Lucky" Lenny Spigoli?

In 1997 "Lucky" Lenny Spigoli had the spotlight to himself.  He was the first and only wrestler to capture both the BWF Interstate Championship title as well as one half of the tag team championship. As you're well aware, his partner was Beefy Biff Cretella.   

Lenny's brilliant career continued to soar in 1998, during the height of the unexpected "singing wrestler" phenomenon. Spigoli captivated the world with his catchy hit single "I've Got Two Belts (But Only One Pair of Pants)".  And that same year, the wrestling fans voted him "most likely to have a long, injury free career".     

His bright career faded however, when Thak of the Neanderthals got a little carried away during an Eskimo Table Saw Match in 2001. The uncontrollable savage clubbed 'the lucky one' senseless with his trusty mammoth bone and Lenny would never be the same. But as reckless and unforgivable as his actions were, the world just couldn't stay mad at Thak.



After years of unsuccessful physical therapy sessions, Lenny was forced to face the harsh reality that he would never be able to wrestle again.   Since his absence from the squared circle, the inevitable outrageous rumors began to circulate. Some went as far as to suggest that he is addicted to heroin or serving time in prison.   Obviously neither of these is true.  But just where the Hell is "Lucky" Lenny Spigoli today?  

As luck would have it, he's dead!  In September 2004, Leonard Daniel Spigoli was murdered over a heroin dispute while serving time at Deep River Penitentiary. He will not be forgotten.



Tune in next week (or so) when we answer the question "What the Hell ever happened to "Crusty" Pete Knickers!  

POUGHKEEPSIE PANDEMONIUM VII = SOLD OUT!!!

It's official. Tickets to Poughkeepsie Pandemonium VII, the overly-anticipated 2007 cartoon wrestling pay-per-view have sold out in record time, causing unusual mass hysteria. Curiously, the Poughkeepsie Enormodome sold all 200,000 tickets 7 days before they even went on sale to the public. While it is unclear how this is even possible, one thing is certain: PPVII is shaping up to be the greatest thing that ever happened.



The main event is the unprecedented BWF Heftyweight Battle Royale. Already being hailed as the "phattest event ever held", this elite, epic confrontation is limited only to wrestlers weighing in over 300 pounds, including Big Moe, Chunkzilla and that annoying guy who wears a diaper - Babyface Jay Sheehan.

The rest of the lineup has yet to be announced but it is safe to say that it will be equally impressive. Tag-team champions the Neanderthals are almost certain to be defending their belts against their fundamental nemeses the Jesus Express.

Many of the loyal BWF fans were understandably devestated upon hearing news of the sellout. Senior correspondent Thomas Malthus has more on this story:



Malthus: Thanks guys, I'm standing in the parking lot of the Poughkeepsie Enormodome where riots have been looming since the news of the sellout. You sir, what have you -



Eddie: Oh man Malthus, you got no idea!! I've been camping out in my ice cream truck for the last six weeks just to get a ticket but all's I gots to show for it is empty freezers!! You gotta help me out man, I need a miracle! I only got one bomb pop left!!!



Eddie: GO HAM AND CHEESE!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!!!!!!

BREAKING NEWS!! BERZERKO UNEXPECTEDLY GOES BERSERK - TEDDY BO HOSPITALIZED!!!

Foul mouthed superstar Berzerko has been fined by BWF management yet again after Tuesday's nights rampage in Raleigh. In tragic news, veteran BWF also-ran 'Teddy' Bo has been officially declared "totally fucking seriously hospitalized".



DEVELOPING STORY: What began as a traditional, safe cartoon wrestling bout degnerated into complete and utter chaos. Teddy Bo dominated the first four minutes of this highly anticipated matchup, landing dropkick after dropkick. But the tide dramatically turned when Berzerko suddenly snared the Bo in the corner at the seven minute mark. Berzerko proceded to beat Teddy in the face for eleven straight minutes.



Things went from bad to worse after referee Jack Chanklin attempted to pry the rabid Greek off of Teddy's broken body. Berzerko responded by choking Chanklin with his own foot. At this point, newly hired backup referees Joe Gettem and "Uppin" Adam Short tried to intervene. This led to more tragedy (see obituaries, page 12). Berzerko was finally subdued when fan favorite Pineapple Pete slowly but surely made his way down to the ring to assist the fallen star. Pineapple managed to use his enormous mass to nullify Berzerko's momentum.



When the dust settled, Teddy Bo, 8 other wrestlers, 22 referees, 9 wrestling fans, 2 popcorn vendors and a partridge, possibly from a pear tree, were all treated at Raleigh Hospital for injuries of varying degrees. Berzerko has since defended his actions by stating "That guy has been around for years now and he hasn't done anything interesting. I thought that beating him senseless might give him some much needed attention!" When pressed for further clarification, Zerk simply smelled his own armpit and laughed maniacally, making everyone around nervous. Although no video cameras were there to document the incident, we were fortunate to obtain these ringside observations:



"Berzerko's gone too far this time. But that's what he does and that's why I love this sport!"

- Ethan Hixon, Barrington



"It was ugly man, real ugly. Summin' gotta do somethin' about duh."

- Typical Stupid Guy With No Fucking Clue



"I thought it was pretty entertaining until I got a filing cabinet hurled at me."

- "Crazy" Joe Vig, Warren



"To tell you the truth, I was at the concession stand when the whole thing went down... so I'm probably not the best person to ask. But I've gotta say, those cheese fries really make you think! Totally worth the $7.00!!"

- "Stubby" Jack Balder, Cranston

Please, call me Bob.

Oh, hello. My name is Bob Boorstein and I am the owner of the multi-trillion dollar enterprise known as the BWF. Until today, I have been merely the faceless genius behind the scenes. Please, allow me to explain.

You see, you can only unveil yourself to the public once. I wanted a portrait that reflected my magnetic personality. Calm and reassuring, yet clearly business savvy. Attractive, sure, but not distractingly so. Capturing all of me in one picture is akin to capturing lightning in a bottle. It takes time.

To get this magnificent picture that you see before you, 22 photographers were fired and one was regrettably killed (please direct questions to my lawyers.) After the best in New York came up short, I decided to import a gifted photographer from France. Talented young fellow named Matthieu Bertrand.

It was just great talking to you and I hope you feel like you know me just a little bit better. Please stay tuned for all of the exciting new developments. Bye bye now, you hear?

Just a Friendly Reminder: You're All Going to Hell

So I was talking to Jesus again this morning and He asked Me to tell you – the readers of this blog – that you are all indeed, going to Hell.  I did ask for forgiveness on your behalf but the J-Man looked Me right in the eyes and said "Reverend Fender, I appreciate Your concern for these idiots but it's frankly not enough."   We then chatted about baseball for a few minutes.  After which I asked him if there was anything that you sinful, heathen, butt ugly sons-a-bitches can do to save your pathetic souls.   And do you know what He told Me?  He said calmly (He always speaks like a true gentleman): "They need to prove their undying faith in Myself and a great way to get started would be to give money to the Reverend Jeff Fender's Heal the Heathens Foundation."   Now I shouldn't have to remind you that Heal the Heathens has been saving souls for over 12 years now.  This could very well be your last chance so don't say I didn't warn you.   Please send a substantial check, I'm thinking somewhere in the range of $500 made out to: Heal the Heathens c/o Jeff Fender, Churchville, Alabammy.   And God bless our troops.

Al & Bill's Dating Forum

Awright theah all you skinny, non-sledgehammer-usin' pussies, it's time for Construction's Top 10 Dating Tips, brought to you by yours truly, Bill Rodriguez, and that dickhead partner of mine Al Kowalski. If you need to know how to find some lovin' the Construction way, look no further. Crack a Crotty, and sit back.

1. Chicks love bein harrassed. If they didn't, why would they wear shoes like that? I don't know if you know this or not, but high heels were designed to make the calf muscles stand out. Why? So's we can look at 'em. And, if that weren't enough, the way that high heels make a woman walk, you know what I'm talkin about, what with the balance and all, make their asses swing from side to side. So you tell me. Do they want us to look? You bet your briefcase-clutchin' ASS they do. So yell it out anytime you see anything that even remotely strikes you as sexable. They love it.

2. If you find yourself in a long-term relationship, like over ten minutes or so, you might want to think about payin' attention to whatever the baby machine is sayin'. If chicks think you're payin' attention, you're one step closer to gettin' your piledriver to drive her pile, if you follow me.

3. Crack a joke. Anytime you get a tit jiggler chucklin', it's like she's already naked. A wise man once said, "A laughing girl already has one hand on her panties." I would've put it differently, somethin' like, "Make her laugh and she'll fuck."

4. Slap her on her can. The sooner the better.

5. Rejection: yeah, it happens. That's why you gotta hit on every single piece of jiggle food that walks by. Out of 1000 attempts, somethin's gotta hit.

That's all for now, dickbags. The next 5 will come when I'm damn good and ready. Crotty Up, pussies!

Og More Write

Q: Hey, Og. I got a couple of things here, I'm not really too sure where to turn for advice, so I'm writing to you. The problem is, my cousin is planning a wedding and he asked that all the guests just simply send a check instead of the customary gift. Is this really correct etiquette? And there is one more thing - my wife and immediate family don't have any idea that I find myself sexually turned on by hedgehogs. Not just hedgehogs themselves, but really anything even tangenitally involving hedgehogs. Magazine articles, radio programs, suggestive pictures, you know. What do I do?

- Totally Normal Guy in Michigan

A: Mmm-hmm. Do not think for second that Og not understand perfectly where you come from. I come from being frozen in glacier. So you see? Our problems really same.

Q: Og, I can't help it. There's just something about the world today that is bringing me down in a way I can't describe. The climate going haywire, the political situation in this country, the disastrous foreign policy, the proliferation of terrorists, the seemingly accelerating spiral into a fear-driven world state, the fact that our country's image to the rest of the world is one of blindingly stupid, obese, gun-toting intolerant Christian wacko zealots, the fact that we all seem to be plunging headlong to an almost irreversible apocalypse - I guess my question is, Og, can I get tickets to Sunday night's pay-per-view spectacular Big Ass Rumble In Cucamunga?

- Doomsday Dan in Des Moines

A: Me always happy to help fan. And keep chin up! Me seen world end once; it not so bad. 40,000 years later, me tag champion!

Dear Og: More Advice From the Stone Age

Q: My father-in-law just refuses to accept me into the family and it's starting to drive a wedge into my otherwise perfect marriage. I go out of my way to be nice and respectful to him but he always responds by throwing silverware at my balls.   And my wife refuses to stand up for me when he's around!.   Og, please help! 

- Pathetic in Pleasant Hill

A: Hmm.  Me know how you feel.  As Neanderthal, not good at using coffee grinder.   But then, me not like coffee taste so it not all be bad.   Thak and me tag champions.   Big thank you for question!

Q: How do you find the courage to stand up against teams much bigger than yourselves, such as Ham and Cheese?  

- Bobby August, Maple Ave

A: Ahh.  Me let you in on Neanderthals secret, please not tell.   Thak and me bite and punch people in face many times and they fall down. Always pleasure.

Q: Hey Og, how's it going. Well, I took your advice about rolling around in garbage, you know, to help with my back spasms.  Unfortunately my problems only worsened.  Now, not only am I still in pain, but I'm also covered in garbage and my friends all laugh at me. Og, what should I do now? 

- Chuck Kaplan, Natick

A: Hmmm..  Must think... Ok, thinking done. Neanderthals not take insults personally.   Perhaps run into wall repeatedly can help. 

Look Me in the Duh

Johnny Sweatpants isn't playin' 'round no more.

Pages 4-9

The Bishops

After Josh Bishop failed out of law school and faced overwhelming student loans, he very begrudgingly agreed to join his younger brother Gary in his quest to become a wrestling team based on diagonal moving chess pieces.   Gary, an average but wildly enthusiastic chess player, is quite proud of this gimmick.  Josh however, is utterly humiliated to be wearing such "ridiculous costumes" and vows to burn them once back on his feet.   The Bishops' volatile relationship and incessant bickering continues to be a constant source of great amusement for both the fans and fellow wrestlers alike.  

EXCLUSIVE: More on Rusty's whereabouts!

Construction

Al Kowalski and Bill Rodrigues worked in construction for several years. They were feared throughout New Jersey after picking fights with weaker men and yelling profanities at every female passerby. To supplement their income, the two honed their fighting skills by moonlighting in the highly illegal Newark Association of Rugged Derelicts (NARD) fighting club. The two eventually quit the construction business when the era of political correctness prevented them from shouting their lewd comments in public. Always looking for obnoxious talent, BWF CEO Bob Boorstein quickly lured them to the BWF with a contract that encouraged them to "be themselves". By being themselves, Al and Bill muscled their way up the tag team ranks through means of hostile abuse and loud, drunken behavior. In addition to their BWF fame, Construction are also known for being the official spokesmen for Crotty Beer, the man's beer that "ain't for no briefcase-wagglin', telephone-usin', shirts-with-sleeves wearin' pussies!"

Al Kowalski: Slightly more restrained than Bill, Al is a dirty fighter,a filthy talker, and quite a fix-it man at home. He will carefully avoid anything not directly related to tools, beer, fighting or breasts, dismissing them as "gay".

Bill Rodrigues: If there is a woman's behind within arms length, Bill will slap it without hesitation. If a skinny guy with glasses walks by, he will promptly break the glasses and occasionally the man's jaw. It has been suggested that Rodrigues suffers from Tourette's Syndrome as he constantly shouts vulgarities and unexpected words and syllables. But it's also very possible that he's just an asshole.

Combined Weight: 512 lbs.

Finishing Maneuver: The Cement Mixer

Frank Franklin

If Frank Franklin's wrestling ability matched his dedication to the sport there is little doubt he would be a true champion. As he put it: "I was brought up to believe that hard work and love for what you do will ultimately lead to success in the end!" Judging from his 0-82 record, success has thus far eluded Franklin but he is far from discouraged. Numbers mean little to Frank as long as he learns something new each and every time he steps in the ring. Behind the scenes, Franklin has earned a reputation as the perennial nice guy of the BWF with an unwavering positive attitude. Wrestlers enjoy sharing a beer and a laugh with him almost as much as they enjoy beating him senseless. But don't expect FF to hold a grudge.

When he's not spending his free time taking his son to museums, baseball games, and charity benefits, Frank Franklin can usually be found at the gym getting ready for his next opportunity to wrestle. He painstakingly prepares for each match by poring over hours of video footage of his opponent. Says Franklin "there is no obstacle that I cannot overcome". Such obstacles include his rather small stature, inferior strength and awkward motor skills.

Height: 5' 8"

Weight: 175 lbs.

Finishing Maneuver: Not Applicable

Quotable: "Winners never quit and quitters never win! So the way I see it, the only matches you really lose are the ones you don't wrestle. That's why I go out there every night and give it 110% because if you stick to your guns and continue to learn from your mistakes then there is no mountain too big to climb." (NOTE: Portions of Frank's quotable have been removed due to redundancy.)

Exclusive!! Rusty Spotted!

Organic Steve

One of the least liked superstars in the BWF, Organic Steve consistently confuses the word "share" with "steal". Since entering the Heftyweight division several months ago, Organic has mooched his way to victory by taking advantage of everyone's kindness. "Wow, thanks man, that's totally cool of you" is something he'll say as he stuffs his face with your lunch. What an ass.

Who's The Stan?

Your old pal Handsome Stan may have been a tad hasty with his last post. Sweatpants/Boorstein is obviously now back up to speed, and the prior editorial comments should (largely) be ignored. Watch out for that California wine, though. Rusty Lover is a close personal friend of mine, and he's been known to remark, "California wine? I'm glad you asked me. It's like the devil took grape juice and made it highly intoxicating..."

BWF

All right, people, Handsome Stan has just about had it with the haphazard, low-budget local-furniture-commercial way that Johnny Sweatpants is running this site. Too much California wine, if you ask me. I know Bob Boorstein is a busy man, but I thought he was taking control of this site! You know me, Handsome Stan tells it like it is, and I for one have had it with Boorstein hiding behind his beard. There, I said it.

As all my fans know, I get the real scoop around here. My sources tell me that one of the pivotal matches on the undercard for the BWF Heftyweight Battle Royal will, in fact, be the first meeting in the ring of The Boy (with Morpheus in his corner) and Mr. Blackwell. There's no title per se on the line, with exception of the eternal battle between good and evil for the ultimate salvation of mankind's souls. The Boy's got a nice superplex, but can he save the human race from the unspeakable horrors of the triumph of the forces of darkness? As we all know, there's only one way to answer that question: with a Ladder Match.

That's all for the moment. Sweatpants, you need to stop admiring the lightning bolts on your thighs and get with the program!

Stay tuned, Chuckleyheads - Handsome Stan's got much more to tell. Did I mention the rumored return of the Downtown Brawler? Word on the street is that rookie sensation Jed Hunter (the first legally blind wrestler and brother of deceased BWF legend Jay Hunter) is quaking in his boots over the presumed return of his brother's archnemesis. All that and more coming up next time on Who's The Stan?

Ham & Cheese

BERNARD "HAM" HAMILTON: First met The Big Cheese in 1987 at Barton's Finishing School For Big Fat Party Animals (BFSFBFPA). Ham's easygoing demeanor meshed well with Big Cheese's outrageous behavior, and an unstoppable tag team was born. Ham & Cheese won the tag team titles from "Naked" Ray Martin and "Dancin" Dan Clark and embarked on a record 5-year title reign. It was cut unexpectedly short by an unfortunate scheduling conflict with a competitive popcorn eating contest.

THE BIG CHEESE: Self-described "one-man Mardi Gras," Cheese has gained a reputation for his legendary consumption levels of pizza, beer and cigarettes, sometimes all in one mouthful. Doctors have repeatedly pleaded with Cheese to cut back a little, warning him that his next quadruple cheese/quadruple meat slice of pizza could be his last. The Big Cheese, mindful of his millions of adoring fans, has been known to repeatedly remark to the doctors, "Yo, Cheese ain't havin' it!!"

While Ham was recuperating from quinteple bypass surgery, the Big Cheese inevitably fell on hard times. Fundamental differences between Cheese and substitute partner Tony "Tossed Salad" Thompson turned them into the laughing stock of the BWF. Fortunately, Bernard saved Cheese from obscurity with his triumphant return (despite grave warnings from a team of doctors).


Combined weight: 984 lbs.
Finishing Maneuver: The Ham & Cheese Sandwich

Old Man Polson

Oldest man in the county. Pictured here with his arch nemesis (for the life of me, I can't remember what I named him), the second oldest man in the county.

Introducing Table!

In a scientific experiment gone awry, Ricky Tableson acquired the unique ability to transform into a stupid looking table at will. More on this guy later...

That wasn't half as bad as the time that...

...Mr. Energy spent the evening talking to Jesus in my kitchen 'till the wee hours of the morn. The guy just wouldn't shut up about his suffering.

Johnny Sweatpants Bio

Do not pay too close attention to Johnny Sweatpants as he is clearly a mere footnote of the federation. His excessively homely appearance and mediocre wrestling skills have ensured him a life destined for obscurity. The details of his past are unimportant but he has been boring crowds for well over a decade now. Whatever skills he lacks in the ring pales in comparison to the skills he lacks elsewhere. To see his complete and utter absence of stage presence in action, look no further than his pointless prematch interviews which have the feel and delivery of a local furniture commercial. Not every wrestler can hope to be a superstar. But if you can’t beat Johnny Sweatpants then you might as well hang it up altogether.

On the plus side, it is somehow very satisfying watching Johnny Sweatpants get pinned and walk back to the dressing room looking dejected. Also, he has an above average attendance record, which may be the only reason he still has a job. He asked me to include the fact that he is a self proclaimed “Kisstorian”, whatever the hell that means…

Age: 31

Hometown: Johnston, RI

Have You Seen This Man?

Mr. Energy has not showed up for his past 3 matches and is therefore on probation. Any information as to his whereabouts would be greatly appreciated so that I can send some of my boys over to straighten his lazy ass out.

A Very Important Public Service Announcement From Rusty Lover.

"Hello kids. Did I do some things that I deeply regret? Sure, who doesn't? I was young, reckless, and heavily sedated. Would I do it all again, knowing what I know now? You bet your sweet, tight ass I would." - Rusty Lover, three days after being release from rehab upon reentering the BWF.

Special Announcement

Good day. My name is Bob Boorstein and I own and run the BWF. You may be wondering why the above picture is not of myself, but of the BWF commentating team of Sir Brian Gurbles and Handsome Stan Chuckley. This is because my picture is not yet ready to be shown to the world. In any case, as of this moment, I have taken over this blog site from Johnny Sweatpants' stubby fingers as his gross incompetence is a danger to us all.

BWF Enormodome

Dancin' Dan Clark

Berzerko

Precious little is known about Berzerko's origins but his unorthodox behavior is known throughout the wrestling world. His excessively foul mouth, grotesque sense of humor, blatant disregard for personal hygiene, and unpredictable violent outbursts make him most unpopular among fellow wrestlers. The wrestling fans, however, have truly taken a shine to his unique brand of random brutality. This only encouraged his maniacal behavior. Inside the squared circle he is equally fearless and reckless. Outside of the ring he is no different. Berzerko simply cannot be reasoned with. His matches frequently end in disqualifications as he has been responsible for hospitalizing countless wrestlers, referees, fans and many others who have unwittingly sparked his rage. He is currently enjoying immense popularity with his "Don't Mind That... That's Just Dog Shit!" catchphrase.

Finishing Maneuver: The Sweaty-Puke-Stained-Hairball-Choke-Hold

Slim & Sully

Slim and Sully are the resident pranksters of the BWF. While they are certainly a formidable tag team, their priorities lie more with making eachother laugh than scoring a legitimate pinfall. Their history can be traced back to seventh grade where they forged a lifelong friendship based on bullying. They began with classmates before moving on to teachers, principals, social workers and finally graduating to government workers and visiting dignitaries. Since entering the BWF, Slim & Sully have systematically broken every rule in the BWF handbook, causing BWF rulemakers to create more rules which were also promptly broken. Their intimidating tactics consist of childish name calling, outrageous sneak attacks and general humiliation. Always searching for creative new ways to cheat, the duo has been known to take everyday items (such as bran muffins) and turn them into devestating, bout deciding weapons.

Mark Sully: Sully is the mastermind of the team. His smug display of nonchalant arrogance has managed to get under the skin of almost every opponent he's faced, often resulting in a psychological advantage at the start of the match. His past pranks include the infamous toilet cam, the wild mongoose attack on the Bishops (see the Bishops) and dumping human waste on unsuspecting civilians (known as "Shit Patrol").

Slims Jones: Though Slim has no qualms about taking orders from Sully, it is unfair to dismiss him as a mere cronie. It was after all, his exploding pants gag that led them to their first championship title. Slim and Sully are said to feed off of eachother's energy, each one desperately trying to impress and outdo the other.

Finishing Maneuver: The Emasculator - a shamelessly cruel, full-blown assault on the testicles of their fallen opponent.

Dear Og

When co-tag team champion Og of the Neanderthals is not punishing people's faces in the ring, he likes to socialize and chat with fans. Og will be answering questions here on a semi-regular basis:

Q: After being frozen for thousands of years, what exactly made you decide to devote your life to professional wrestling?

- Tony Montenello, Wichita KS

OG: Thanks for question Tony. Thak and me spent many hours wrestling for food back in Pangea. We not surprised wrestling skills come natural for Neanderthals.

Q: My girlfriend and I aren't speaking to eachother because I watch too much wrestling. Should I dump her or stop watching wrestling? Og, what should I do?

- Clueless in Cranston

OG: Mmmm. This be tough question.... Og think if she not willing to tolerate to what make you happy, relationship bad. On other hand, too much wrestling watching not always right thing good too. Me recommend compromise. Perhaps buy nice food eat and flowers.

Rusty Lover

To summarize Rusty Lover's storied career in the space allotted is an impossible task. Rusty serves as both a cautionary tale for the weak minded and beacon of inspiration to the hopelessly addicted. His legendary obsession with sex and narcotics has arguably eclipsed his unforgettable performances in the ring. In the late 80's Rusty seemed destined for greatness. Sadly, a series of poor, alcohol-fueled decisions gave him notoriety for all the wrong reasons.

Rusty's undeniable sex appeal combined with his insatiable desire to be medicated puts his health and career to the test on a daily basis. When focused and relatively sober, Rusty is easily one of the best in the business. Unfortunately his self destruction has thus far prevented him from obtaining any lasting success. Nevertheless he is one of the greatest draws the BWF has to offer. Despite suffering a string of career ending injuries, he continues to amaze the fans and doctors by
perservering.

Rusty has been arrested in every state (except Michigan for some reason) on charges that include unpaid child support, public intoxication, indecent exposure, and operating a ferris wheel without a license while intoxicated and pretty much naked. He has claimed to be abducted by aliens every February since 1984 and has been known to disappear for weeks
at a time. He is rarely reprimanded for his indiscretions by BWF management due to the endless merchandising revenue generated from the hordes of female fanatics.

Age: 38

Hometown: Odor Creek, OK

Finishing Maneuver: The Hard One (Off the top rope bulldog) In his own
words: "I called it the Hard One because it is. It's a hard move to
pull off and it's damn near impossible to kick out of. It also makes a
subtle reference to "Little Rusty"

Heftyweight Battle Royale

The biggest event ever held.