Tuesday, March 27, 2007
BWF Solitary Geek Media is proud to announce that the first BWF video game, Rusty's Jouney Back, will be released later this year. Here's a sneak peek at the instruction manual:
Objective: Help Rusty Lover, BWF Superstar and Man of Many Weaknesses, figure out which part of the country he’s in and how to get back to the arena he was booked in to wrestle that night, utilizing the help of any one of the BWF’s many other Superstars.
classic-rock guitar fueled by funky bass lines.
Use groupies to regain valuable energy and/or money. Don’t stay too long, or certain Enemies will be on your trail. (see below)
Replenish occasionally from the whiskey bottle icon, but don’t do it too often. Initially, you’ll receive a burst of speed and quite a bit of charm, but repeated visits will leave your controls sluggish, if not entirely backwards.
Use the phone booths to check your progress with Bob Boorstein, Chairman and CEO of the BWF. He will either berate you for being so far away, or adopt a resigned, frustrated tone if you’re getting nearer.
Enemies: Will appear out of nowhere with increasing frequency and tenacity as Rusty gets further along. Watch for:
Child Support Officers (loss of almost all money)
Bartenders (immediate loss of sobriety)
Divorce Lawyers (loss of rest of money)
Dealers (come in a variety of thematically-suited colors, and sometimes, aren’t all bad. Black is Mystery Drug Dealer, can either REALLY help you, or REALLY fuck you up)
Aliens (if captured, player 2 must play version of Galaga until he can succeed in getting captured Rusty ship side by side with his own)
Jesus (will use tractor beam to get you into church; keep wide berth and stay drunk. If captured, must beat Jesus in Go-Kart race to win back immortal soul)
For the most part, you want to avoid them, but there are certain scenarios in the game that cannot be overcome without their help. For instance, on Level 4, the only way to get up the cliff is to ride on the back of a giant harmless turtle, which only the Brown Dealer can help you find…
Green Dealer: Meet with him and the landscape just bounces for a while, and the music gets REALLY good.
White Dealer: You find yourself amped up and seeking out random strangers to talk to about absolutely nothing, making you easy prey for certain Enemies.
Red Dealer: Certain inanimate elements of the background come alive. Trees start to melt, and all light sources start to streak. You’ll be distracted by piles of breathing towels and the like. Colors become very significant-looking.
Brown Dealer: Similar in effect to the Red Dealer, only this time, giant harmless turtles and such will be running around. No harmful after effects.
Purple Dealer: Find groupies immediately. Watch money and energy levels go through the roof. Get out fast.
Orange Dealer: Random cacti sprout up, and Indian deities float upwards through the ground, explaining how mankind has lost its way and no longer lives in harmony with the planet.
Yellow Dealer. You become a flat, protoplasmic version of Rusty, slowly oozing and blobbing your way around. Speech is impossible, as is pretty much anything else productive.
Blue Dealer. Sort of a wild card randomizer; all extremes of speed, activity, and control response.
Black Dealer: Your world could come crashing down around you, or you could figure out how to fly.
Winning the Game:
Get to the arena on time and beat either Player 2 or the computer in a pay-per-view match for the Interstate Title. Celebrate in locker room. Go back to Level 1. Play again.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Troubled BWF superstar Jailbird found himself in prison yet again, this time for an apparant parole violation. Detroit police confiscated a 3 year supply of illegal painkillers. Jailbird claimed that he was set up. Eyewitnesses Slim and Sully refused to comment but were seen snickering outside of the courtroom... In possibly related news, hearthrob and Interstate champion Rusty Lover reported a missing duffel bag that contained "very important private possessions". Anyone with information regarding its whereabouts is asked to please call the BWF office... An innocent book signing by Berserko went horribly wrong yet again at the Elder Nursing Home in San Jose. Fortunately no one was killed this time around but several thousand dollars of damage were reported as well as multiple injuries to the already doomed residents. Berserko later apologized to the traumatized seniors but explained that "the rancid smell of decaying flesh" tends to bring out the worst in him... The highly anticipated matchup between Frank Franklin and Ron Birch ended in a draw, preserving both men's winless records. At first it looked like Franklin would get the win after snaring Birch in a well executed (though tremendously boring)abdominal stretch but Birch managed to hang on for the last 38 minutes...