Sunday, December 31, 2006

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Friday, December 29, 2006

Why I'll Kill Myself if Pineapple Pete Doesn't Win the Heftyweight Battle Royal

By a fat man, possibly in disguise

Hey folks, Ron Pudding here. I know everything there is to know about this sport. This is both a blessing and a curse. I have my ticket to Poughkeepsie Pandemonium VII but I'm not here to brag about that. But I would like to list 5 reasons why Pineapple Pete is a shoe-in to win the Heftyweight Battle Royal.

1) He reminds me of me. Big guy with a big heart.

2) I've been following his career since the Swansea Mall Slamboree and Car show back in '95.

3) This guy's just great. You need to see him in person to really grasp his size.

4) You just can't beat Pineapple Pete. Not only is it true, but it rhymes which makes it more true.

5) I heard he once ate an entire forest.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Malthush Fayshesh

Goliath vs. Frank Franklin Highlights

I was searching for a way to procrastinate so I threw all of the Goliath/Franklin pics together. Mission accomplished!

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Who is the Handsomest of them all?

Alright, Chuckleyheads - Handsome Stan back with you as an administrator. More on this later...let's just see if this blog can handle the overwhelming brilliance and expertise of your pal, Handsome Stan Chuckley!

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Monday, December 11, 2006

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Og Big Advice More Column Third

Dear Og:
Here's my biggest problem: nobody does anything original anymore. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but everywhere you turn, it's true. It's like the brain of the world has shut down. Look at music, entertainment, movies, books, politics, religion, technology, it doesn't matter. Everything is either a rehash or replay or improvement of something that happened a couple decades or millennia ago, or a clever repackaging of said material. Spend ten minutes listening to the radio or look at any recent top ten movies or DVDs, and you'll see what I'm saying. It's like the world's mind got trapped somewhere between 1980 and 1994 and refuses to move forward.

Blu-Ray discs? Pfft. HDTV? Who gives a shit - where's my VR headset hologram living room? The Iron Man movie? We've officially run out of ideas. Christianity? Should've been eliminated with the invention of the printing press and discovery of the Earth revolving around the sun.

The world is not crying out for any of this stuff, which seems to be not going away. Why haven't we seen or heard of ANYTHING even remotely related to an original, forward-thinking thought in ANY area, creatively, spiritually, technologically, culturally?

I don't need a cell phone that can play music and tell me where the closest plumbing supply store is. What I need is some inkling that the mind of the world isn't dead. Can you help me?

Fist-Shaking in Hoboken, NJ

Dear Shaking Fist Man,
Og have very different viewpoint, being unfrozen in late 1990s after 40,000 years in glacier. However, me sick too of hearing "Rooster" by Alice In Chains on local rock station. Band dead, scene dead, song pretty boring in first place, yet station keep playing. And it not just that song, Stone Temple Pilots pretty not relevant either and they played every ten minutes, but me digress. Me hear you loud clear.

It seem culture itself still dealing with paranoid year-2000 changover, and people unwilling to make jump from decade-long navel-gazing to truly thinking new and free-like. Plus, tons of material to make tons of money off nostalgia. However, me wonder, where MY Sirius satellite radio station? Where my "Sounds of Ice Age" playlist? Me digress again, but maybe you see point. After time, even Og time fade away. Eventually, Seventies Rock Station fade away too.

Just like in Pangea, Thak and me constantly asking tribemates, "Why use same bone to bash mammoth head in, same time every spring hunting season? Why not use new pointy rock tied to end of stick, seem to work much better? Or even, why not you come up with something else? Pointy rock probably not only way. Bet string tied between ends of bendy stick make pretty okay throwing weapon."

But Thak and me always see furrowed brows and series of grunts. 40,000 years later, things more change, things more stay exactly same, if you follow Og. Trust Og, we go through same thing with advent of fire.

Like me say previously, fortunately we had glacier to wipe out that sort of thing. Probably same type thing happen soon again, so really nothing to worry about. We just do it all over again for another 40,000 years. It be way of world.

Okay, got space for quick one more question:

Dear Og,
Can you sum up why everyone does what they do, and where this is all going?

Joey Menensala, Fat Millionaire

Dear Millionaire Fat Man,
Life for most seem to be a beating down of other viewpoints, plus desire to not upset herd and go with flow. Pop culture nowadays overwhelm everyone with subtle, dual message of conformity and fear, mix with dash of consumerism-paranoia. Example: Me like shopping at Restoration Hardware, but me not sure why.

It all depend on sense of humor and intelligence to carry us through to next level. Og do not fear anything, but Og apprehensive slightly about us not having sense of humor about everything. Other example good: even Og and Thak know how to pronounce properly the word "nuclear." Me not sure lot of America knows how. Not sure even President knows how. Probably this not good sign for lot of America or future. Thak and Og owe everything we gain to education. About it think.

Next week see all!

Saturday, September 30, 2006

What the Hell Ever Happened to: "Lucky" Lenny Spigoli?

In 1997 "Lucky" Lenny Spigoli had the spotlight to himself.  He was the first and only wrestler to capture both the BWF Interstate Championship title as well as one half of the tag team championship. As you're well aware, his partner was Beefy Biff Cretella.   

Lenny's brilliant career continued to soar in 1998, during the height of the unexpected "singing wrestler" phenomenon. Spigoli captivated the world with his catchy hit single "I've Got Two Belts (But Only One Pair of Pants)".  And that same year, the wrestling fans voted him "most likely to have a long, injury free career".     

His bright career faded however, when Thak of the Neanderthals got a little carried away during an Eskimo Table Saw Match in 2001. The uncontrollable savage clubbed 'the lucky one' senseless with his trusty mammoth bone and Lenny would never be the same. But as reckless and unforgivable as his actions were, the world just couldn't stay mad at Thak.

After years of unsuccessful physical therapy sessions, Lenny was forced to face the harsh reality that he would never be able to wrestle again.   Since his absence from the squared circle, the inevitable outrageous rumors began to circulate. Some went as far as to suggest that he is addicted to heroin or serving time in prison.   Obviously neither of these is true.  But just where the Hell is "Lucky" Lenny Spigoli today?  

As luck would have it, he's dead!  In September 2004, Leonard Daniel Spigoli was murdered over a heroin dispute while serving time at Deep River Penitentiary. He will not be forgotten.

Tune in next week (or so) when we answer the question "What the Hell ever happened to "Crusty" Pete Knickers!  

Monday, September 25, 2006


It's official. Tickets to Poughkeepsie Pandemonium VII, the overly-anticipated 2007 cartoon wrestling pay-per-view have sold out in record time, causing unusual mass hysteria. Curiously, the Poughkeepsie Enormodome sold all 200,000 tickets 7 days before they even went on sale to the public. While it is unclear how this is even possible, one thing is certain: PPVII is shaping up to be the greatest thing that ever happened.

The main event is the unprecedented BWF Heftyweight Battle Royale. Already being hailed as the "phattest event ever held", this elite, epic confrontation is limited only to wrestlers weighing in over 300 pounds, including Big Moe, Chunkzilla and that annoying guy who wears a diaper - Babyface Jay Sheehan.

The rest of the lineup has yet to be announced but it is safe to say that it will be equally impressive. Tag-team champions the Neanderthals are almost certain to be defending their belts against their fundamental nemeses the Jesus Express.

Many of the loyal BWF fans were understandably devestated upon hearing news of the sellout. Senior correspondent Thomas Malthus has more on this story:

Malthus: Thanks guys, I'm standing in the parking lot of the Poughkeepsie Enormodome where riots have been looming since the news of the sellout. You sir, what have you -

Eddie: Oh man Malthus, you got no idea!! I've been camping out in my ice cream truck for the last six weeks just to get a ticket but all's I gots to show for it is empty freezers!! You gotta help me out man, I need a miracle! I only got one bomb pop left!!!


Wednesday, September 20, 2006


Foul mouthed superstar Berzerko has been fined by BWF management yet again after Tuesday's nights rampage in Raleigh. In tragic news, veteran BWF also-ran 'Teddy' Bo has been officially declared "totally fucking seriously hospitalized".

DEVELOPING STORY: What began as a traditional, safe cartoon wrestling bout degnerated into complete and utter chaos. Teddy Bo dominated the first four minutes of this highly anticipated matchup, landing dropkick after dropkick. But the tide dramatically turned when Berzerko suddenly snared the Bo in the corner at the seven minute mark. Berzerko proceded to beat Teddy in the face for eleven straight minutes.

Things went from bad to worse after referee Jack Chanklin attempted to pry the rabid Greek off of Teddy's broken body. Berzerko responded by choking Chanklin with his own foot. At this point, newly hired backup referees Joe Gettem and "Uppin" Adam Short tried to intervene. This led to more tragedy (see obituaries, page 12). Berzerko was finally subdued when fan favorite Pineapple Pete slowly but surely made his way down to the ring to assist the fallen star. Pineapple managed to use his enormous mass to nullify Berzerko's momentum.

When the dust settled, Teddy Bo, 8 other wrestlers, 22 referees, 9 wrestling fans, 2 popcorn vendors and a partridge, possibly from a pear tree, were all treated at Raleigh Hospital for injuries of varying degrees. Berzerko has since defended his actions by stating "That guy has been around for years now and he hasn't done anything interesting. I thought that beating him senseless might give him some much needed attention!" When pressed for further clarification, Zerk simply smelled his own armpit and laughed maniacally, making everyone around nervous. Although no video cameras were there to document the incident, we were fortunate to obtain these ringside observations:

"Berzerko's gone too far this time. But that's what he does and that's why I love this sport!"

- Ethan Hixon, Barrington

"It was ugly man, real ugly. Summin' gotta do somethin' about duh."

- Typical Stupid Guy With No Fucking Clue

"I thought it was pretty entertaining until I got a filing cabinet hurled at me."

- "Crazy" Joe Vig, Warren

"To tell you the truth, I was at the concession stand when the whole thing went down... so I'm probably not the best person to ask. But I've gotta say, those cheese fries really make you think! Totally worth the $7.00!!"

- "Stubby" Jack Balder, Cranston

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Please, call me Bob.

Oh, hello. My name is Bob Boorstein and I am the owner of the multi-trillion dollar enterprise known as the BWF. Until today, I have been merely the faceless genius behind the scenes. Please, allow me to explain.

You see, you can only unveil yourself to the public once. I wanted a portrait that reflected my magnetic personality. Calm and reassuring, yet clearly business savvy. Attractive, sure, but not distractingly so. Capturing all of me in one picture is akin to capturing lightning in a bottle. It takes time.

To get this magnificent picture that you see before you, 22 photographers were fired and one was regrettably killed (please direct questions to my lawyers.) After the best in New York came up short, I decided to import a gifted photographer from France. Talented young fellow named Matthieu Bertrand.

It was just great talking to you and I hope you feel like you know me just a little bit better. Please stay tuned for all of the exciting new developments. Bye bye now, you hear?

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Just a Friendly Reminder: You're All Going to Hell

So I was talking to Jesus again this morning and He asked Me to tell you – the readers of this blog – that you are all indeed, going to Hell.  I did ask for forgiveness on your behalf but the J-Man looked Me right in the eyes and said "Reverend Fender, I appreciate Your concern for these idiots but it's frankly not enough."   We then chatted about baseball for a few minutes.  After which I asked him if there was anything that you sinful, heathen, butt ugly sons-a-bitches can do to save your pathetic souls.   And do you know what He told Me?  He said calmly (He always speaks like a true gentleman): "They need to prove their undying faith in Myself and a great way to get started would be to give money to the Reverend Jeff Fender's Heal the Heathens Foundation."   Now I shouldn't have to remind you that Heal the Heathens has been saving souls for over 12 years now.  This could very well be your last chance so don't say I didn't warn you.   Please send a substantial check, I'm thinking somewhere in the range of $500 made out to: Heal the Heathens c/o Jeff Fender, Churchville, Alabammy.   And God bless our troops.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Al & Bill's Dating Forum

Awright theah all you skinny, non-sledgehammer-usin' pussies, it's time for Construction's Top 10 Dating Tips, brought to you by yours truly, Bill Rodriguez, and that dickhead partner of mine Al Kowalski. If you need to know how to find some lovin' the Construction way, look no further. Crack a Crotty, and sit back.

1. Chicks love bein harrassed. If they didn't, why would they wear shoes like that? I don't know if you know this or not, but high heels were designed to make the calf muscles stand out. Why? So's we can look at 'em. And, if that weren't enough, the way that high heels make a woman walk, you know what I'm talkin about, what with the balance and all, make their asses swing from side to side. So you tell me. Do they want us to look? You bet your briefcase-clutchin' ASS they do. So yell it out anytime you see anything that even remotely strikes you as sexable. They love it.

2. If you find yourself in a long-term relationship, like over ten minutes or so, you might want to think about payin' attention to whatever the baby machine is sayin'. If chicks think you're payin' attention, you're one step closer to gettin' your piledriver to drive her pile, if you follow me.

3. Crack a joke. Anytime you get a tit jiggler chucklin', it's like she's already naked. A wise man once said, "A laughing girl already has one hand on her panties." I would've put it differently, somethin' like, "Make her laugh and she'll fuck."

4. Slap her on her can. The sooner the better.

5. Rejection: yeah, it happens. That's why you gotta hit on every single piece of jiggle food that walks by. Out of 1000 attempts, somethin's gotta hit.

That's all for now, dickbags. The next 5 will come when I'm damn good and ready. Crotty Up, pussies!

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Og More Write

Q: Hey, Og. I got a couple of things here, I'm not really too sure where to turn for advice, so I'm writing to you. The problem is, my cousin is planning a wedding and he asked that all the guests just simply send a check instead of the customary gift. Is this really correct etiquette? And there is one more thing - my wife and immediate family don't have any idea that I find myself sexually turned on by hedgehogs. Not just hedgehogs themselves, but really anything even tangenitally involving hedgehogs. Magazine articles, radio programs, suggestive pictures, you know. What do I do?

- Totally Normal Guy in Michigan

A: Mmm-hmm. Do not think for second that Og not understand perfectly where you come from. I come from being frozen in glacier. So you see? Our problems really same.

Q: Og, I can't help it. There's just something about the world today that is bringing me down in a way I can't describe. The climate going haywire, the political situation in this country, the disastrous foreign policy, the proliferation of terrorists, the seemingly accelerating spiral into a fear-driven world state, the fact that our country's image to the rest of the world is one of blindingly stupid, obese, gun-toting intolerant Christian wacko zealots, the fact that we all seem to be plunging headlong to an almost irreversible apocalypse - I guess my question is, Og, can I get tickets to Sunday night's pay-per-view spectacular Big Ass Rumble In Cucamunga?

- Doomsday Dan in Des Moines

A: Me always happy to help fan. And keep chin up! Me seen world end once; it not so bad. 40,000 years later, me tag champion!

Dear Og: More Advice From the Stone Age

Q: My father-in-law just refuses to accept me into the family and it's starting to drive a wedge into my otherwise perfect marriage. I go out of my way to be nice and respectful to him but he always responds by throwing silverware at my balls.   And my wife refuses to stand up for me when he's around!.   Og, please help! 

- Pathetic in Pleasant Hill

A: Hmm.  Me know how you feel.  As Neanderthal, not good at using coffee grinder.   But then, me not like coffee taste so it not all be bad.   Thak and me tag champions.   Big thank you for question!

Q: How do you find the courage to stand up against teams much bigger than yourselves, such as Ham and Cheese?  

- Bobby August, Maple Ave

A: Ahh.  Me let you in on Neanderthals secret, please not tell.   Thak and me bite and punch people in face many times and they fall down. Always pleasure.

Q: Hey Og, how's it going. Well, I took your advice about rolling around in garbage, you know, to help with my back spasms.  Unfortunately my problems only worsened.  Now, not only am I still in pain, but I'm also covered in garbage and my friends all laugh at me. Og, what should I do now? 

- Chuck Kaplan, Natick

A: Hmmm..  Must think... Ok, thinking done. Neanderthals not take insults personally.   Perhaps run into wall repeatedly can help. 

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Look Me in the Duh

Johnny Sweatpants isn't playin' 'round no more.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

The Bishops

After Josh Bishop failed out of law school and faced overwhelming student loans, he very begrudgingly agreed to join his younger brother Gary in his quest to become a wrestling team based on diagonal moving chess pieces.   Gary, an average but wildly enthusiastic chess player, is quite proud of this gimmick.  Josh however, is utterly humiliated to be wearing such "ridiculous costumes" and vows to burn them once back on his feet.   The Bishops' volatile relationship and incessant bickering continues to be a constant source of great amusement for both the fans and fellow wrestlers alike.