Do not pay too close attention to Johnny Sweatpants as he is clearly a mere footnote of the federation. His excessively homely appearance and mediocre wrestling skills have ensured him a life destined for obscurity. The details of his past are unimportant but he has been boring crowds for well over a decade now. Whatever skills he lacks in the ring pales in comparison to the skills he lacks elsewhere. To see his complete and utter absence of stage presence in action, look no further than his pointless prematch interviews which have the feel and delivery of a local furniture commercial. Not every wrestler can hope to be a superstar. But if you can’t beat Johnny Sweatpants then you might as well hang it up altogether.
On the plus side, it is somehow very satisfying watching Johnny Sweatpants get pinned and walk back to the dressing room looking dejected. Also, he has an above average attendance record, which may be the only reason he still has a job. He asked me to include the fact that he is a self proclaimed “Kisstorian”, whatever the hell that means…
Hometown: Johnston, RI
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
"Hello kids. Did I do some things that I deeply regret? Sure, who doesn't? I was young, reckless, and heavily sedated. Would I do it all again, knowing what I know now? You bet your sweet, tight ass I would." - Rusty Lover, three days after being release from rehab upon reentering the BWF.
Good day. My name is Bob Boorstein and I own and run the BWF. You may be wondering why the above picture is not of myself, but of the BWF commentating team of Sir Brian Gurbles and Handsome Stan Chuckley. This is because my picture is not yet ready to be shown to the world. In any case, as of this moment, I have taken over this blog site from Johnny Sweatpants' stubby fingers as his gross incompetence is a danger to us all.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Precious little is known about Berzerko's origins but his unorthodox behavior is known throughout the wrestling world. His excessively foul mouth, grotesque sense of humor, blatant disregard for personal hygiene, and unpredictable violent outbursts make him most unpopular among fellow wrestlers. The wrestling fans, however, have truly taken a shine to his unique brand of random brutality. This only encouraged his maniacal behavior. Inside the squared circle he is equally fearless and reckless. Outside of the ring he is no different. Berzerko simply cannot be reasoned with. His matches frequently end in disqualifications as he has been responsible for hospitalizing countless wrestlers, referees, fans and many others who have unwittingly sparked his rage. He is currently enjoying immense popularity with his "Don't Mind That... That's Just Dog Shit!" catchphrase.
Finishing Maneuver: The Sweaty-Puke-Stained-Hairball-Choke-Hold
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Slim and Sully are the resident pranksters of the BWF. While they are certainly a formidable tag team, their priorities lie more with making eachother laugh than scoring a legitimate pinfall. Their history can be traced back to seventh grade where they forged a lifelong friendship based on bullying. They began with classmates before moving on to teachers, principals, social workers and finally graduating to government workers and visiting dignitaries. Since entering the BWF, Slim & Sully have systematically broken every rule in the BWF handbook, causing BWF rulemakers to create more rules which were also promptly broken. Their intimidating tactics consist of childish name calling, outrageous sneak attacks and general humiliation. Always searching for creative new ways to cheat, the duo has been known to take everyday items (such as bran muffins) and turn them into devestating, bout deciding weapons.
Mark Sully: Sully is the mastermind of the team. His smug display of nonchalant arrogance has managed to get under the skin of almost every opponent he's faced, often resulting in a psychological advantage at the start of the match. His past pranks include the infamous toilet cam, the wild mongoose attack on the Bishops (see the Bishops) and dumping human waste on unsuspecting civilians (known as "Shit Patrol").
Slims Jones: Though Slim has no qualms about taking orders from Sully, it is unfair to dismiss him as a mere cronie. It was after all, his exploding pants gag that led them to their first championship title. Slim and Sully are said to feed off of eachother's energy, each one desperately trying to impress and outdo the other.
Finishing Maneuver: The Emasculator - a shamelessly cruel, full-blown assault on the testicles of their fallen opponent.
When co-tag team champion Og of the Neanderthals is not punishing people's faces in the ring, he likes to socialize and chat with fans. Og will be answering questions here on a semi-regular basis:
Q: After being frozen for thousands of years, what exactly made you decide to devote your life to professional wrestling?
- Tony Montenello, Wichita KS
OG: Thanks for question Tony. Thak and me spent many hours wrestling for food back in Pangea. We not surprised wrestling skills come natural for Neanderthals.
Q: My girlfriend and I aren't speaking to eachother because I watch too much wrestling. Should I dump her or stop watching wrestling? Og, what should I do?
- Clueless in Cranston
OG: Mmmm. This be tough question.... Og think if she not willing to tolerate to what make you happy, relationship bad. On other hand, too much wrestling watching not always right thing good too. Me recommend compromise. Perhaps buy nice food eat and flowers.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
To summarize Rusty Lover's storied career in the space allotted is an impossible task. Rusty serves as both a cautionary tale for the weak minded and beacon of inspiration to the hopelessly addicted. His legendary obsession with sex and narcotics has arguably eclipsed his unforgettable performances in the ring. In the late 80's Rusty seemed destined for greatness. Sadly, a series of poor, alcohol-fueled decisions gave him notoriety for all the wrong reasons.
Rusty's undeniable sex appeal combined with his insatiable desire to be medicated puts his health and career to the test on a daily basis. When focused and relatively sober, Rusty is easily one of the best in the business. Unfortunately his self destruction has thus far prevented him from obtaining any lasting success. Nevertheless he is one of the greatest draws the BWF has to offer. Despite suffering a string of career ending injuries, he continues to amaze the fans and doctors by
Rusty has been arrested in every state (except Michigan for some reason) on charges that include unpaid child support, public intoxication, indecent exposure, and operating a ferris wheel without a license while intoxicated and pretty much naked. He has claimed to be abducted by aliens every February since 1984 and has been known to disappear for weeks
at a time. He is rarely reprimanded for his indiscretions by BWF management due to the endless merchandising revenue generated from the hordes of female fanatics.
Hometown: Odor Creek, OK
Finishing Maneuver: The Hard One (Off the top rope bulldog) In his own
words: "I called it the Hard One because it is. It's a hard move to
pull off and it's damn near impossible to kick out of. It also makes a
subtle reference to "Little Rusty"
Bulldozer McCabe has risen from his humble teenage days working in his local candy shop to become the undisputed BWF Heftyweight Champion. While working at the store, Dozer penned what would later become a best selling novel "When You Really Think About it, There are Four Kinds of Chocolate". After being fired for obvious reasons, Dozer decided then and there to follow his dream of becoming a big fat wrestling superstar. He promptly enrolled in Bob Boorstein's famous wrestling school "Bob Boorstein's World Famous Wrestling School". It was here where he continued to eat massive quantities of food and learned to wrestle professionally. After his memorable debut victory over Chunkzilla in 2002, it quickly became clear that Dozer's insatiable appetite for success and deli meats would ensure him a place in the spotlight.
Finishing Maneuver: The Steamroller