Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Johnny Sweatpants Bio

Do not pay too close attention to Johnny Sweatpants as he is clearly a mere footnote of the federation. His excessively homely appearance and mediocre wrestling skills have ensured him a life destined for obscurity. The details of his past are unimportant but he has been boring crowds for well over a decade now. Whatever skills he lacks in the ring pales in comparison to the skills he lacks elsewhere. To see his complete and utter absence of stage presence in action, look no further than his pointless prematch interviews which have the feel and delivery of a local furniture commercial. Not every wrestler can hope to be a superstar. But if you can’t beat Johnny Sweatpants then you might as well hang it up altogether.

On the plus side, it is somehow very satisfying watching Johnny Sweatpants get pinned and walk back to the dressing room looking dejected. Also, he has an above average attendance record, which may be the only reason he still has a job. He asked me to include the fact that he is a self proclaimed “Kisstorian”, whatever the hell that means…

Age: 31

Hometown: Johnston, RI