Rusty's Jouney Back

BWF Solitary Geek Media is proud to announce that the first BWF video game, Rusty's Jouney Back, will be released later this year. Here's a sneak peek at the instruction manual:

Objective: Help Rusty Lover, BWF Superstar and Man of Many Weaknesses, figure out which part of the country he’s in and how to get back to the arena he was booked in to wrestle that night, utilizing the help of any one of the BWF’s many other Superstars.

Music:
classic-rock guitar fueled by funky bass lines.

Strategies:

Use groupies to regain valuable energy and/or money. Don’t stay too long, or certain Enemies will be on your trail. (see below)

Replenish occasionally from the whiskey bottle icon, but don’t do it too often. Initially, you’ll receive a burst of speed and quite a bit of charm, but repeated visits will leave your controls sluggish, if not entirely backwards.

Use the phone booths to check your progress with Bob Boorstein, Chairman and CEO of the BWF. He will either berate you for being so far away, or adopt a resigned, frustrated tone if you’re getting nearer.

Enemies: Will appear out of nowhere with increasing frequency and tenacity as Rusty gets further along. Watch for:

Child Support Officers (loss of almost all money)
Bartenders (immediate loss of sobriety)
Divorce Lawyers (loss of rest of money)
Dealers (come in a variety of thematically-suited colors, and sometimes, aren’t all bad. Black is Mystery Drug Dealer, can either REALLY help you, or REALLY fuck you up)
Aliens (if captured, player 2 must play version of Galaga until he can succeed in getting captured Rusty ship side by side with his own)
Jesus (will use tractor beam to get you into church; keep wide berth and stay drunk. If captured, must beat Jesus in Go-Kart race to win back immortal soul)

Weapons:
Alcohol
Hip-Shaking
Pick-up Truck

The Dealers:
For the most part, you want to avoid them, but there are certain scenarios in the game that cannot be overcome without their help. For instance, on Level 4, the only way to get up the cliff is to ride on the back of a giant harmless turtle, which only the Brown Dealer can help you find…

Green Dealer: Meet with him and the landscape just bounces for a while, and the music gets REALLY good.
White Dealer: You find yourself amped up and seeking out random strangers to talk to about absolutely nothing, making you easy prey for certain Enemies.
Red Dealer: Certain inanimate elements of the background come alive. Trees start to melt, and all light sources start to streak. You’ll be distracted by piles of breathing towels and the like. Colors become very significant-looking.
Brown Dealer: Similar in effect to the Red Dealer, only this time, giant harmless turtles and such will be running around. No harmful after effects.
Purple Dealer: Find groupies immediately. Watch money and energy levels go through the roof. Get out fast.
Orange Dealer: Random cacti sprout up, and Indian deities float upwards through the ground, explaining how mankind has lost its way and no longer lives in harmony with the planet.
Yellow Dealer. You become a flat, protoplasmic version of Rusty, slowly oozing and blobbing your way around. Speech is impossible, as is pretty much anything else productive.
Blue Dealer. Sort of a wild card randomizer; all extremes of speed, activity, and control response.
Black Dealer: Your world could come crashing down around you, or you could figure out how to fly.

Winning the Game:
Get to the arena on time and beat either Player 2 or the computer in a pay-per-view match for the Interstate Title. Celebrate in locker room. Go back to Level 1. Play again.

This Week's BWF Notes

Troubled BWF superstar Jailbird found himself in prison yet again, this time for an apparant parole violation. Detroit police confiscated a 3 year supply of illegal painkillers. Jailbird claimed that he was set up. Eyewitnesses Slim and Sully refused to comment but were seen snickering outside of the courtroom... In possibly related news, hearthrob and Interstate champion Rusty Lover reported a missing duffel bag that contained "very important private possessions". Anyone with information regarding its whereabouts is asked to please call the BWF office... An innocent book signing by Berserko went horribly wrong yet again at the Elder Nursing Home in San Jose. Fortunately no one was killed this time around but several thousand dollars of damage were reported as well as multiple injuries to the already doomed residents. Berserko later apologized to the traumatized seniors but explained that "the rancid smell of decaying flesh" tends to bring out the worst in him... The highly anticipated matchup between Frank Franklin and Ron Birch ended in a draw, preserving both men's winless records. At first it looked like Franklin would get the win after snaring Birch in a well executed (though tremendously boring)abdominal stretch but Birch managed to hang on for the last 38 minutes...

Proud Sponsors of the Village People

Sweatpants in a bind...

That's right, the Enormodome.

Big Can

SECRET ORIGINS REVEALED!! Volume 1: Bulldozer

On a bustling, well-lit stretch of cobblestoned street in one of the nicer parts of Nougat City, a prominent candy factory owner, his wife and their 11-year-old son emerge from an all-night bakery and candy shop. To call the man and his wife portly would be to redefine the parameters of the word “portly.” The child was well on his way – a chubby lad with a nice orange tuxedo and a short blond Mohawk.

Clearly, they have all come from a night at the theater, or perhaps an elegant, all-you-can-eat formal banquet. The man wears a dapper, if overstuffed, tuxedo. His top hat and pointed, swirled mustache give him the appearance of the Monopoly guy after he really let himself go. The wife’s appearance was a grotesque reinterpretation of formal elegance. For her outward appearance, the only reaction she ever provoked among those to lay eyes on her for the first time was the concept that the human male can be remarkably inventive and flexible when procreation is at hand.

In any event, the trio spills down the steps, smiling at each other. The father carries a grocery bag stuffed full of pastries, doughnuts, doughnut holes, doughnut perimeters, bricks of chocolate, etc. The boy happily lumbers along, taking the occasional bite out of his cotton candy in the left hand, and his three corn dogs in the right. They all exude total happiness.

The man, checking his watch, motions for the family to take a short cut down the dark alley immediately to their left. Through the gap in the alley, way down on the next brightly lit avenue, a single neon sign can be seen flashing: Chuck’s All-Nite Deep Fried Food Bucket. The family all gazes at each other, smiles, and lurches down the alley.

A pair of shiny shoes begins to echo on the slab of the alley floor. The father turns slightly, noticing. He turns back, shoulders his bag, and tries to hurry his family along. The footsteps gain speed and intensity. The father hands a box of doughnuts to the mother, in the hope of lightening the load. The footsteps grow ever closer and ever quicker.

Finally, a hand reaches out from behind the mother. Reaching out, it grabs the mother’s necklace, one of those candy-necklaces-on-a-string. The mother cries out, the father begins to turn; all while candies that popped loose are crashing into puddles at their feet. All of this is looked on in growing fear and horror by the boy. The struggle continues, the father getting jostled, pastries flying every which way, and the mother slowly screaming as she tries to keep the assailant away from the box of donuts. Mounting horror. Finally, a SHOT rings out, but it’s actually not a gunshot, it’s just the sound of the man’s hand plunging swiftly into the brown paper bag that the father is holding. More shot-like crumple sounds ensue, as the hand reaches deep into the bag.

The mother cries out in pain and faints dead away. The father lets out a prolonged scream of “Nooooo!” The child’s horror and shock are now all-consuming.

The hand emerges from the bag with a tube, clearly labeled “Ron Chestnut’s Good-Time Raw Cookie Dough (Now With Bacon!).” The father tries to hang on to the tube for dear life. Eventually, both his hands slip off and he drops with an anguished, drawn out primal noise to the pavement.

The child is struck numb with fear and panic; looking first at his downed parents and then back to the shadowy assailant. The dark figure seems to regard the child for a moment, and then raises the tube of cookie dough like a pistol.

“Hey kid,” he says, stepping forward into less shadow to reveal a pudgy face hidden under a hat brim, “You ever dance with the Devil Dogs by the pale moonlight?”

The figure runs off, leaving the child staring wide-eyed into the night, scarred forever by his parents’ screams.

Letter of Complaint

Dear BWF Management,

As the above heading suggests, I am writing to complain. I have been a dedicated cartoon wrestling fan my whole life and I spend roughly $1,200 a month on various BWF products. However, I am simply outraged at the way we female wrestling fans are consistently overlooked. For example, there is not a single ladies room in the entire BWF Enormodome (capacity 115,000). When I asked an usher which facilities I should use, he merely shrugged and suggested I “hold it”.

Furthermore, I am tired of how every commercial during your otherwise fine Slam Your Face Off program is geared towards men and men alone. In last week's hour-long episode, I decided to take note. There were four commercials for Crotty Beer, three for men’s deodorant, six for Viagra, and eight for men’s beard trimmers. But what about my beard?

If you do not change your policies, I will have no choice but to compose a follow-up letter. Sincerely,

- Miffy

The Ultimate Prize

This is what it's all about folks.

Absolutely No One Gets in Without a Ticket!

EXCLUSIVE: Pineapple Pete Does it Again!!! Bulldozer Pissed!

In a staggering turn of events, what can only be described as "an unpredictable, but not really" ambush, jovial fan favorite Pineapple Pete interrupted an in depth interview with Heftyweight Champion Bulldozer and publicly accused him of stuffing his tights with rocks during the Battle Royal weigh-in, in order to increase his mass. Long story short – words were exchanged, and Dozer was taken out in a stretcher after Pineapple assaulted him with a coconut, threw a couch at him and sat on his face for a while.



This is not the first time their deep friendship has erupted in cartoonish violence. Below is a brief timeline of these behemoths' stormy relationship.

1995 – Bulldozer takes up-and-coming Kid Coconut under his wing. He trains and feeds him.

1997 – Kid Coconut outweighs Dozer for the first time at 442 lbs., becomes Pineapple Pete.

1998 – At the first and only Pleasantries in Pawtucket pay-per-view, Pineapple eats Dozer's Krunch Bar prior to the 'Best Friends Forever' contract signing. What later became known as "The Crunch Heard Around the World" ignites a vicious feud that carries them through six continents, culminating in a Portugese Fire Match. Said Dozer of the incident – "He ate more than my Krunch Bar. He ate my faith in mankind."

2001 – The fans forgive Pineapple after a public apology. He sends Bulldozer a box of donuts with hot dogs in the holes as a peace offering. The world breathes a sigh of relief.

2002 – Dozer & Pete become embark on a 6 month long tag-team title reign.

2003 – Pete steals Dozer's winning candy wrapper and cashes it in for 1.2 million. He returns to the BWF as "The Fat Millionaire." Another heated feud is unleashed.

2004- After a 7 hour session at Therapy in Thames III, Dozer and Pete once again set aside their differences and begin their friendship anew. Pineapple ditches the tuxedo.

2005 – Pineapple has the Dozer family over for Thanksgiving dinner.

Bulldozer is reportedly past the denial stage and is officially "extremely pissed off". Hopefully some sort of resolution will occur at the big Heftyweight Battle Royal.

Buffet Table Set Up

Jumbo Jumbo Shrimp

Deep Fried Water Buffalo

Ham & Cheese Down the Aisle

Welcome To The Desert Of The Stan

All right Chuckleyheads - I'm finally unveiling my new avatar. Who's The Stan?

BWF EXCLUSIVE: Johnny Sweatpants Has a New Look!!!

That's right. I'm sick and tired of getting no proper attention. I've been working hard on my skills AND image and now I might finally start getting some respect around duh.

And if you don't believe me then you're only asking for a beating - on your face!

Feed the World

Gurbles Angles

Why I'll Kill Myself if Pineapple Pete Doesn't Win the Heftyweight Battle Royal

By a fat man, possibly in disguise

Hey folks, Ron Pudding here. I know everything there is to know about this sport. This is both a blessing and a curse. I have my ticket to Poughkeepsie Pandemonium VII but I'm not here to brag about that. But I would like to list 5 reasons why Pineapple Pete is a shoe-in to win the Heftyweight Battle Royal.

1) He reminds me of me. Big guy with a big heart.

2) I've been following his career since the Swansea Mall Slamboree and Car show back in '95.

3) This guy's just great. You need to see him in person to really grasp his size.

4) You just can't beat Pineapple Pete. Not only is it true, but it rhymes which makes it more true.

5) I heard he once ate an entire forest.

Malthush Fayshesh

Goliath vs. Frank Franklin Highlights

I was searching for a way to procrastinate so I threw all of the Goliath/Franklin pics together. Mission accomplished!

Who is the Handsomest of them all?

Alright, Chuckleyheads - Handsome Stan back with you as an administrator. More on this later...let's just see if this blog can handle the overwhelming brilliance and expertise of your pal, Handsome Stan Chuckley!

Challenge Accepted

Slam Jam

You Just Can't Fight Inner Demons!!!!

Og Big Advice More Column Third

Dear Og:
Here's my biggest problem: nobody does anything original anymore. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but everywhere you turn, it's true. It's like the brain of the world has shut down. Look at music, entertainment, movies, books, politics, religion, technology, it doesn't matter. Everything is either a rehash or replay or improvement of something that happened a couple decades or millennia ago, or a clever repackaging of said material. Spend ten minutes listening to the radio or look at any recent top ten movies or DVDs, and you'll see what I'm saying. It's like the world's mind got trapped somewhere between 1980 and 1994 and refuses to move forward.

Blu-Ray discs? Pfft. HDTV? Who gives a shit - where's my VR headset hologram living room? The Iron Man movie? We've officially run out of ideas. Christianity? Should've been eliminated with the invention of the printing press and discovery of the Earth revolving around the sun.

The world is not crying out for any of this stuff, which seems to be not going away. Why haven't we seen or heard of ANYTHING even remotely related to an original, forward-thinking thought in ANY area, creatively, spiritually, technologically, culturally?

I don't need a cell phone that can play music and tell me where the closest plumbing supply store is. What I need is some inkling that the mind of the world isn't dead. Can you help me?

Fist-Shaking in Hoboken, NJ

Dear Shaking Fist Man,
Og have very different viewpoint, being unfrozen in late 1990s after 40,000 years in glacier. However, me sick too of hearing "Rooster" by Alice In Chains on local rock station. Band dead, scene dead, song pretty boring in first place, yet station keep playing. And it not just that song, Stone Temple Pilots pretty not relevant either and they played every ten minutes, but me digress. Me hear you loud clear.

It seem culture itself still dealing with paranoid year-2000 changover, and people unwilling to make jump from decade-long navel-gazing to truly thinking new and free-like. Plus, tons of material to make tons of money off nostalgia. However, me wonder, where MY Sirius satellite radio station? Where my "Sounds of Ice Age" playlist? Me digress again, but maybe you see point. After time, even Og time fade away. Eventually, Seventies Rock Station fade away too.

Just like in Pangea, Thak and me constantly asking tribemates, "Why use same bone to bash mammoth head in, same time every spring hunting season? Why not use new pointy rock tied to end of stick, seem to work much better? Or even, why not you come up with something else? Pointy rock probably not only way. Bet string tied between ends of bendy stick make pretty okay throwing weapon."

But Thak and me always see furrowed brows and series of grunts. 40,000 years later, things more change, things more stay exactly same, if you follow Og. Trust Og, we go through same thing with advent of fire.

Like me say previously, fortunately we had glacier to wipe out that sort of thing. Probably same type thing happen soon again, so really nothing to worry about. We just do it all over again for another 40,000 years. It be way of world.

Okay, got space for quick one more question:

Dear Og,
Can you sum up why everyone does what they do, and where this is all going?

Joey Menensala, Fat Millionaire

Dear Millionaire Fat Man,
Life for most seem to be a beating down of other viewpoints, plus desire to not upset herd and go with flow. Pop culture nowadays overwhelm everyone with subtle, dual message of conformity and fear, mix with dash of consumerism-paranoia. Example: Me like shopping at Restoration Hardware, but me not sure why.

It all depend on sense of humor and intelligence to carry us through to next level. Og do not fear anything, but Og apprehensive slightly about us not having sense of humor about everything. Other example good: even Og and Thak know how to pronounce properly the word "nuclear." Me not sure lot of America knows how. Not sure even President knows how. Probably this not good sign for lot of America or future. Thak and Og owe everything we gain to education. About it think.

Next week see all!

What the Hell Ever Happened to: "Lucky" Lenny Spigoli?

In 1997 "Lucky" Lenny Spigoli had the spotlight to himself.  He was the first and only wrestler to capture both the BWF Interstate Championship title as well as one half of the tag team championship. As you're well aware, his partner was Beefy Biff Cretella.   

Lenny's brilliant career continued to soar in 1998, during the height of the unexpected "singing wrestler" phenomenon. Spigoli captivated the world with his catchy hit single "I've Got Two Belts (But Only One Pair of Pants)".  And that same year, the wrestling fans voted him "most likely to have a long, injury free career".     

His bright career faded however, when Thak of the Neanderthals got a little carried away during an Eskimo Table Saw Match in 2001. The uncontrollable savage clubbed 'the lucky one' senseless with his trusty mammoth bone and Lenny would never be the same. But as reckless and unforgivable as his actions were, the world just couldn't stay mad at Thak.



After years of unsuccessful physical therapy sessions, Lenny was forced to face the harsh reality that he would never be able to wrestle again.   Since his absence from the squared circle, the inevitable outrageous rumors began to circulate. Some went as far as to suggest that he is addicted to heroin or serving time in prison.   Obviously neither of these is true.  But just where the Hell is "Lucky" Lenny Spigoli today?  

As luck would have it, he's dead!  In September 2004, Leonard Daniel Spigoli was murdered over a heroin dispute while serving time at Deep River Penitentiary. He will not be forgotten.



Tune in next week (or so) when we answer the question "What the Hell ever happened to "Crusty" Pete Knickers!  

POUGHKEEPSIE PANDEMONIUM VII = SOLD OUT!!!

It's official. Tickets to Poughkeepsie Pandemonium VII, the overly-anticipated 2007 cartoon wrestling pay-per-view have sold out in record time, causing unusual mass hysteria. Curiously, the Poughkeepsie Enormodome sold all 200,000 tickets 7 days before they even went on sale to the public. While it is unclear how this is even possible, one thing is certain: PPVII is shaping up to be the greatest thing that ever happened.



The main event is the unprecedented BWF Heftyweight Battle Royale. Already being hailed as the "phattest event ever held", this elite, epic confrontation is limited only to wrestlers weighing in over 300 pounds, including Big Moe, Chunkzilla and that annoying guy who wears a diaper - Babyface Jay Sheehan.

The rest of the lineup has yet to be announced but it is safe to say that it will be equally impressive. Tag-team champions the Neanderthals are almost certain to be defending their belts against their fundamental nemeses the Jesus Express.

Many of the loyal BWF fans were understandably devestated upon hearing news of the sellout. Senior correspondent Thomas Malthus has more on this story:



Malthus: Thanks guys, I'm standing in the parking lot of the Poughkeepsie Enormodome where riots have been looming since the news of the sellout. You sir, what have you -



Eddie: Oh man Malthus, you got no idea!! I've been camping out in my ice cream truck for the last six weeks just to get a ticket but all's I gots to show for it is empty freezers!! You gotta help me out man, I need a miracle! I only got one bomb pop left!!!



Eddie: GO HAM AND CHEESE!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!!!!!!

BREAKING NEWS!! BERZERKO UNEXPECTEDLY GOES BERSERK - TEDDY BO HOSPITALIZED!!!

Foul mouthed superstar Berzerko has been fined by BWF management yet again after Tuesday's nights rampage in Raleigh. In tragic news, veteran BWF also-ran 'Teddy' Bo has been officially declared "totally fucking seriously hospitalized".



DEVELOPING STORY: What began as a traditional, safe cartoon wrestling bout degnerated into complete and utter chaos. Teddy Bo dominated the first four minutes of this highly anticipated matchup, landing dropkick after dropkick. But the tide dramatically turned when Berzerko suddenly snared the Bo in the corner at the seven minute mark. Berzerko proceded to beat Teddy in the face for eleven straight minutes.



Things went from bad to worse after referee Jack Chanklin attempted to pry the rabid Greek off of Teddy's broken body. Berzerko responded by choking Chanklin with his own foot. At this point, newly hired backup referees Joe Gettem and "Uppin" Adam Short tried to intervene. This led to more tragedy (see obituaries, page 12). Berzerko was finally subdued when fan favorite Pineapple Pete slowly but surely made his way down to the ring to assist the fallen star. Pineapple managed to use his enormous mass to nullify Berzerko's momentum.



When the dust settled, Teddy Bo, 8 other wrestlers, 22 referees, 9 wrestling fans, 2 popcorn vendors and a partridge, possibly from a pear tree, were all treated at Raleigh Hospital for injuries of varying degrees. Berzerko has since defended his actions by stating "That guy has been around for years now and he hasn't done anything interesting. I thought that beating him senseless might give him some much needed attention!" When pressed for further clarification, Zerk simply smelled his own armpit and laughed maniacally, making everyone around nervous. Although no video cameras were there to document the incident, we were fortunate to obtain these ringside observations:



"Berzerko's gone too far this time. But that's what he does and that's why I love this sport!"

- Ethan Hixon, Barrington



"It was ugly man, real ugly. Summin' gotta do somethin' about duh."

- Typical Stupid Guy With No Fucking Clue



"I thought it was pretty entertaining until I got a filing cabinet hurled at me."

- "Crazy" Joe Vig, Warren



"To tell you the truth, I was at the concession stand when the whole thing went down... so I'm probably not the best person to ask. But I've gotta say, those cheese fries really make you think! Totally worth the $7.00!!"

- "Stubby" Jack Balder, Cranston