Wednesday, September 20, 2006


Foul mouthed superstar Berzerko has been fined by BWF management yet again after Tuesday's nights rampage in Raleigh. In tragic news, veteran BWF also-ran 'Teddy' Bo has been officially declared "totally fucking seriously hospitalized".

DEVELOPING STORY: What began as a traditional, safe cartoon wrestling bout degnerated into complete and utter chaos. Teddy Bo dominated the first four minutes of this highly anticipated matchup, landing dropkick after dropkick. But the tide dramatically turned when Berzerko suddenly snared the Bo in the corner at the seven minute mark. Berzerko proceded to beat Teddy in the face for eleven straight minutes.

Things went from bad to worse after referee Jack Chanklin attempted to pry the rabid Greek off of Teddy's broken body. Berzerko responded by choking Chanklin with his own foot. At this point, newly hired backup referees Joe Gettem and "Uppin" Adam Short tried to intervene. This led to more tragedy (see obituaries, page 12). Berzerko was finally subdued when fan favorite Pineapple Pete slowly but surely made his way down to the ring to assist the fallen star. Pineapple managed to use his enormous mass to nullify Berzerko's momentum.

When the dust settled, Teddy Bo, 8 other wrestlers, 22 referees, 9 wrestling fans, 2 popcorn vendors and a partridge, possibly from a pear tree, were all treated at Raleigh Hospital for injuries of varying degrees. Berzerko has since defended his actions by stating "That guy has been around for years now and he hasn't done anything interesting. I thought that beating him senseless might give him some much needed attention!" When pressed for further clarification, Zerk simply smelled his own armpit and laughed maniacally, making everyone around nervous. Although no video cameras were there to document the incident, we were fortunate to obtain these ringside observations:

"Berzerko's gone too far this time. But that's what he does and that's why I love this sport!"

- Ethan Hixon, Barrington

"It was ugly man, real ugly. Summin' gotta do somethin' about duh."

- Typical Stupid Guy With No Fucking Clue

"I thought it was pretty entertaining until I got a filing cabinet hurled at me."

- "Crazy" Joe Vig, Warren

"To tell you the truth, I was at the concession stand when the whole thing went down... so I'm probably not the best person to ask. But I've gotta say, those cheese fries really make you think! Totally worth the $7.00!!"

- "Stubby" Jack Balder, Cranston