Monday, September 25, 2006
POUGHKEEPSIE PANDEMONIUM VII = SOLD OUT!!!
It's official. Tickets to Poughkeepsie Pandemonium VII, the overly-anticipated 2007 cartoon wrestling pay-per-view have sold out in record time, causing unusual mass hysteria. Curiously, the Poughkeepsie Enormodome sold all 200,000 tickets 7 days before they even went on sale to the public. While it is unclear how this is even possible, one thing is certain: PPVII is shaping up to be the greatest thing that ever happened.
The main event is the unprecedented BWF Heftyweight Battle Royale. Already being hailed as the "phattest event ever held", this elite, epic confrontation is limited only to wrestlers weighing in over 300 pounds, including Big Moe, Chunkzilla and that annoying guy who wears a diaper - Babyface Jay Sheehan.
The rest of the lineup has yet to be announced but it is safe to say that it will be equally impressive. Tag-team champions the Neanderthals are almost certain to be defending their belts against their fundamental nemeses the Jesus Express.
Many of the loyal BWF fans were understandably devestated upon hearing news of the sellout. Senior correspondent Thomas Malthus has more on this story:
Malthus: Thanks guys, I'm standing in the parking lot of the Poughkeepsie Enormodome where riots have been looming since the news of the sellout. You sir, what have you -
Eddie: Oh man Malthus, you got no idea!! I've been camping out in my ice cream truck for the last six weeks just to get a ticket but all's I gots to show for it is empty freezers!! You gotta help me out man, I need a miracle! I only got one bomb pop left!!!
Eddie: GO HAM AND CHEESE!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!!!!!!