Saturday, September 16, 2006

Just a Friendly Reminder: You're All Going to Hell

So I was talking to Jesus again this morning and He asked Me to tell you – the readers of this blog – that you are all indeed, going to Hell.  I did ask for forgiveness on your behalf but the J-Man looked Me right in the eyes and said "Reverend Fender, I appreciate Your concern for these idiots but it's frankly not enough."   We then chatted about baseball for a few minutes.  After which I asked him if there was anything that you sinful, heathen, butt ugly sons-a-bitches can do to save your pathetic souls.   And do you know what He told Me?  He said calmly (He always speaks like a true gentleman): "They need to prove their undying faith in Myself and a great way to get started would be to give money to the Reverend Jeff Fender's Heal the Heathens Foundation."   Now I shouldn't have to remind you that Heal the Heathens has been saving souls for over 12 years now.  This could very well be your last chance so don't say I didn't warn you.   Please send a substantial check, I'm thinking somewhere in the range of $500 made out to: Heal the Heathens c/o Jeff Fender, Churchville, Alabammy.   And God bless our troops.